Muted Chatterbox

This time last year I tried to kill myself (again). Only difference is this time I made a good job of it and a couple of hours longer I’d have been a goner.

I spent a few days in intensive care and then a cardiac ward and then I was shipped to the nut house for almost 5 months of what I call bullshit torture and what the doctors call treatment.

I was talking to my mum this morning about it all and how I feel now and she said it’s been a long time since she heard me so positive. I want to live. When it comes down to it I do but circumstances do sometimes make that feel impossible. In recent months I’ve realised I could never leave my son without a mother and I have no plans to ever harm myself again.

Today I’m in fueteventura enjoying the sun and quality time with my boy. I’m back at work in the best job I’ve ever had and I’m glad I’m not planning my death.

I’m not saying things are great, far from it, but things are certainly better.

I’ve now not smoked cannabis for 5 days and I feel so good about it. I feel better but I think that’s down to the change in environment. I’m scared about going home as I fear the cravings will hit me but I should be over the worst. I’ve also deleted all my numbers so I couldn’t get it even if I wanted to.

One year on things have vastly improved. It gives me hope that in 5 years things could be even better. If I ever find myself in that dark dark place where death is preferable to life I hope I read this to remind myself that things do get better.

The same applies to anyone reading this. Don’t ever give up, you don’t know what’s around the corner.